I'd be lying if I said I saw signs or felt her presence with me. People tell you when you loose a loved one those things will happen. So what's wrong with me? Am I blind or am I just plain naive? It's been a little over one month since I lost my mom to a 9 long year battle with metastatic breast cancer. Yet in the course of a month, which felt like an eternity, I've just been consumed with sadness. All I want is to feel her right next to me at all waking hours. Just to know she was still there in some way would be enough.
Yet, you tell people what they want to hear, you tell them "oh this thing happened today and I just knew she was with me" or "I knew it was her," but in reality nothing happened, but you wish it had.
I also wish people didn't tell you what they think, that everything will be okay, or try and tell you how you'll feel. Because they don't know. They're 1000000000% wrong. A silent agreement between people should be to NOT ask how you are when you loose a loved one. They already know the answer, but really what do they expect you to say? "Oh you know my mom just died, but I'm doing fabulous! And yourself?" NO! Don't ask me how I'm doing or holding up. Because I'm not okay. I'm not good. Devastated and feels like my heart has been ripped out doesn't even began to describe how I feel.
I once asked my dad why people ask you how you're doing. His answer was along the lines of "to show they care." Not satisfied with that answer, I thought to myself if they really cared they would just be with me, and not ask because the truth is when they ask it just makes it worse. It adds to the pain I'm already consumed by.
They don't tell you that when you're awkwardly standing around after your moms memorial service that only a few people will come over and try to make small talk or just stand with you. You expect and hope more people will come over and tell you a wonderful memory of your mom, but they don't. You expect your friends to come and comfort you, but they don't even come.
They don't tell you how crushed you'll be when you see all your sisters friends at the service, but none of yours. They don't tell you that you will hate your moms memorial service because it's just a bunch of people mingling and talking to everyone but you. You hope that people will notice when you run off to your room to escape the unpleasantness, but when you come back down no one asks you or even looks at you.
People also say overtime it gets 'better' or 'easier.' Will it really get 'easier' and 'better' when I walk down the steps after receiving my high school diploma, and while looking out into the crowd know that I won't see my mom smiling back. Will it really be 'better' and 'easier' when my mom won't be there to drop me off at college, and four years later still not be there to see me graduate. But oh it must be 'easier' and 'better' on my wedding day when my mom won't be there to help me get ready or see me say "I do" to the man I love and stole my heart.
Just thinking about these events make me... I don't even know, and that's the problem.
Things that get me are thoughts like, my future husband and my children will never know my mom. They'll never know the incredibly beautiful and strong women she was. Yes they will see pictures and hear stories, but they'll never really know her. They'll never know her like I do. Like I did.
The worst thing is, I torture myself with these thoughts. They bring tears to my eyes daily and nightly. I can't sleep. I'm lost and confused. I just want my mom back. And at only 17 I know I have many more days and nights like these ahead of me.
